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In BDSM and life an escape from fear rejects me. I do not know if you have ever wondered about it, but my experience tells me that continuous control is terribly exhausting. Sometime I need a calming BDSM session, with a submission rather than domination . On the other hand – in the category of ” humiliation ” I still struggle with myself. Living with my previous man I have revalued the majority of my beliefs about submission and domination. With my last man I understood that this is the flow, that the division of roles does not exist, that despite the natural predisposition sexually I’m not only submissive. At that time the conviction was born in me, that wherever you want freedom, you do not have it . Shortly after we started dating, practically in bed, laughed at some of my contemporary beliefs about dominance and submission. I felt awful then, I became aggressive, started to shout something like: “I am not a toy”.
and he said: “
For what I heard , you are not, because toys are fun and easy to use, and handling me requires the skills of a sapper”. And he added that he refuses to fight with me. And even though, I was grabbing my clothes – he got dressed up much quicker and he left, leaving me alone in his apartment. When he came back, I was sitting on the edge of the bed as he left me. I could leave, but I did not want. And I understood that it was always like this – even when I thought otherwise. Following someone just like running from someone / something is always a decision. The choice of what to do at the moment is always on my side. That I let myself into something and then I am limiting myself from something.

BDSM with my last partner let me understand that I can switch between those two roles.